Its not a new phenomenon to have a crush on someone and you have no idea how to express yourself to them. If there is a thing so intricate and complex is the human body and its feelings. Why do you have to see or meet someone, perhaps a total stranger and lose sleep over them? You are innocently walking to a grocery store to get your daily dose of Sukuma wiki from your favorite mama mboga and by chance a sweet cologne forces its way into your nostrils. Instinctively, your head turns and your eyes are subjected to an unexpected treat. The rear view of the human behind you is breathtaking. Height, derriere, hair all check. You do a quick SWOT analysis and remember that your body has been deprived off milk for ages. Is there a better place to source for the same than the shop your new favorite human is gracing? Men, do you follow? Please say aye.

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The gods do you a favor since you are so invested in seeing this person’s face. She exceeds your expectations. Honestly, she is way out of your league. A gush of emotions fills your body as you grapple to find the appropriate way to approach the subject. After careful deliberations with yourself you decide that the mission is a go. First impressions always matter right? Your genius mind has it all figured out. You have even fantasized about the two of you in some kind of Disneyland. Tickets for two to Hawaii? I hear it’s a cool place. Lifting your leg to make an approach is probably one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. What a letdown the next part is.

All your mouth manages to blurt out is ‘you are beautiful.’ Now, here is where I feel girls go wrong. Why on earth would you ignore such a great effort? Why do you size the guy with your big, dark and beautiful eyes with then ‘you think I don’t know’ kind of expression plastered firmly on your face? As if that is not enough, you walk away swaying your assets provocatively. If the person in question is Kevo or Brayo then definitely the ‘third leg’ becomes furious. They are often hot tempered. Your old man has always told you not to be a quitter. You tail the girl at a safe distance and mark the spot where your prey is. What follows is endless way lays that get you her contact and then ages of persuasion. Ladies why? All this suffering at times can make you ‘uncrush’ and realize that the crush was not that fatal.

It gets more juicier when the situation is reversed. Girls have this impossible standard when choosing men. Anyway, for fear of irking you let’s leave it at that. Miraculously, a guy drops from Mars and ticks all your abnormal boxes. You start living large with him in your dreams. What is it that girls fantasize about when they have a crush on someone? Let me take a wild guess. Think of him helping you with the chores, hot massages after work, can crack your ribs more than a night at a Mr bean’s concert and has those bushy eyebrows.

When he talks, he does so with gusto and so much bass than an actual bass drum. You visualize him carrying you around all night, (heavens know how much you weigh) he pulls you closer to him and your heart is beating alongside his. Soft rnb oldies are playing in the background. Red and sweet-scented candles have filled the room with so much fragrance. His touch is electric, your lips lock and it sends spasms all over your tender body. Just when he is about to switch into full Johnny Sins mode there is a loud bang at the door. Your sibling reminds you that the newly lactating cow needs to be milked.

Now that you have a crush on him what do you do next? Start giving him clues that you like him. You will be amazed by the type of clues given by this gender. We don’t have the witty skills that enabled you converse with the serpent. How do you give me candy that is wrapped with a paper full of love emojis and expect me to see that as a sign of this huge crush? Where I come from the art of sharing is emphasized and my immediate assumption will be that you gave me candy in spirit of the same. You had many anyway.

How do you expect me to read much into it when you smile and bite your upper or lower lip? We men do it all the time when its itchy or we’re deep in thought. Some go as far as wearing T-shirts that have messages intended for their ‘kings’ to read. My crazy friend once wore a T-shirt with the words ‘The Devil is a bitch,’ on a good Sunday sermon. How many drunkards don attires that criticize alcohol? Point is, wearing a red T-shirt with fancy words firmly printed on it will not send any signals. Am dumb right?

What’s the worst that can happen if you walk straight to a gentleman and just confess? You do it to the vicars anyway.  I guess that will take the second coming of the Messiah for it to happen. These issues have no definite way of handling but we shouldn’t let our prude get in the way of expressing what you feel. Do not fear rejection, it happens to the very best.

Ladies, shoot your shot. The descendants of Abraham are a very easy lot to convince. After all, we are all pro-gender equality. What better way to practice the same than reversing the deeply entrenched gender stereotypes in our African societies? Go on one knee and propose to that gentleman. We also like surprises and countless road trips. The proposing part is tricky though, I have to admit.

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Written by: Kingsley Mutethia



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